Sexual abstinence is not an option but a must. It's sad that these days, young people would often engage into something that they would regret later in life. They play with fire for a moment of pleasure in exchange, probably, for a lifetime of pain. They are gambling their lives for something not really worth it.

The threat of HIV and other STDs are real. Once you contracted them, HIV especially, there's no turning back. Oftentimes, people would use protections such as condoms as an excuse to have promiscuous anonymous sex. But nothing is too perfect in this world.

I hope that people would not be too ignorant nor careless about it. The pain, frustration, and confusion are not worth the risk. Life is too short yet too precious to be wasted away. We have a lot of potential still to contribute to make our world a better place.

I'm so grateful to God that He had given me another chance to change my ways and be the person who gives glory to Him. I almost thought I hit the endzone. But His mercies are new every morning and His love is everlasting. I value my life and others' as well more than ever. God is really a miraculous God. I tested negative!

I know it isn't going to be an easy journey towards freedom. But nothing is impossible with God. There will be a lot of setbacks and temptations but Jesus will always be by my side. Although at times I will feel alone, I know He's always here with me because everytime I see only one set of footprints, it means that He is carrying me.

I'm really glad for this wake up call from God. It made me realize how much He loves me and how much He values me that in return I need to value and be thankful for everything I have before it was too late to do so.

My hope, my trust, my life is in Him.

Praise be to God who makes all things new and to His Son, Jesus Christ who died for us that we may have eternal life. May His Spirit guide His children always and touch the hearts of those who are running away from him.

*****
If you consummated your desires with someone, it's not yet too late. God is here to forgive you and heal you from your brokenness and free you from the guilt.

Get Tested. No matter what the results are, believe God. Believe that Jesus forgives you through His death on the cross, and He will be forever with you.

Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough
by Patty Smyth
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Now, I don't want to lose you, but I don't want to use you
just to have somebody by my side.
And I don't want to hate you,
I don't want to take you, but I don't want to be the one to cry.

And that don't really matter to anyone anymore.
But like a fool I keep losing my place
and I keep seeing you walk through that door.

(Chorus)

But there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart you can't trust.
There's a reason why people don't stay where they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just aint enough.

Now, I could never change you, I don't want to blame you.
Baby, you don't have to take the fall.
Yes, I may have hurt you, but I did not desert you.
Maybe I just want to have it all.

It makes a sound like thunder, it makes me feel like rain.
And like a fool who will never see the truth,
I keep thinking something's gonna change.

(Chorus)

And there's no way home, when it's late at night and you're all alone.
Are there things that you wanted to say?
And do you feel me beside you in your bed,
there beside you, where I used to lay?

And there's a danger in loving somebody too much,
and it's sad when you know it's your heart they can't touch.
There's a reason why people don't stay who they are.
Baby, sometimes, love just ain't enough.

Baby, sometimes, love... it just ain't enough.
Oh, Oh, Oh, No

I know that everytime I come back to San Diego from Canada, something always comes up. That's the reason why I'm not enthusiastic nor crazy anymore about Vancouver. Long-driving to and from Canada twice already didn't help either.

The funeral service was okay. Everytime the whole time the family visited my uncle's remains, it was guaranteed that the tears would be all over the place.

But I have been an ass there the whole week. The thing is a lot of things are going in my mind and nobody understands. They already think that I'm the bad sheep in the family so I just played the part. I have been a good boy for such a long time yet nobody even noticed that and still I wasn't good enough in their eyes. One thing I realized is that it's easier to be bad than good. And why bother if everyone thinks you're useless and good-for-nothing piece of shit. Oh well, I don't care anymore if they're all pissed at me.

My uncle passed away Tuesday morning in his hospital bed in Canada. He's been fighting his brain tumor for almost 5 years now but finally he gave up the fight and succumbed to this dreaded disease. It pains everyone in the family to see him suffer everyday but his fighting spirit won't just give up like that. He was fighting mainly for his toddlers who are only 5 and 4 years old, respectively. It's sad that those kids would grow up without a father and I hope that they won't experience the painful effects that one has to endure because I, too, grew up without my dad.

NEWSFLASH!!! There's a Chris #4 and she's a girl, an incoming junior at my beloved's school of which he's going to be an incoming sophomore. I just checked my beloved's myspace account and there she was! Ugh. I think I'll stop here before blood spills all over the place...

...Anyway, Chris #2 is not so much of a threat anymore because I found out from my beloved that it's his cousin on his mom's side back in our homeland.

I vow not to meet any "Chris" in this damn world anymore. They're a major pain in the ass. I feel lately that people having this name/nickname have been the one causing my worries, anxieties, and insecurities. They should all vanish in a wink of an eye. Well, I don't want to resort to violent actions (unless I really have to) because I'm a firm believer in world peace.

I have just cruised paranoia-ville and it's a place I often find myself in yet has tried to get away from all the time. Never in my unrequited love saga with someone have I felt these pangs of jealousy that torture me the past few months. I never felt this surge of emotions for someone in my whole freaking life. The intensity and frequency of my jealousy on my ongoing crisis with my beloved overshadows my previous experiences with the people I have devoted my affection to in the past.

Three weeks ago, I was so furious over the concert manipulation Chris managed to flawlessly enact to lure Jayson. Two weeks ago, I was dumbfounded to receive a persistent invitation on Friendster from an effeminate Chris from the Philippines who have already been added to Jayson's friends list, notwithstanding the fact that my beloved seems to check his Friendster every other day. Last Friday, a Chris pulled off another behind the back move on my beloved.

Seriously, when I first saw the guy a year ago , my gaydar went ballistically high. It takes one to know one you know. He went down here during the Memorial Day weekend while I was still nursing my aches from Chris #1 and recovering from the static shock from Chris #2. They started really talking a week after during our fellowship. Boy was I annoyed that Jayson was ignoring me and didnt even sit beside me because I look so totally uncool, too pale in comparison with Chris #3 and another one who all wear matching green outfits which I gently told him the day after during our phone conversation. And I thought it would end with that.

On the Sunday that particular weekend, there was a wedding at church and things were at a halt before the ceremony started as I was waiting what was in store between my beloved and I. I breathed a sigh of relief when I got to sit right beside him with some desperate moves on my part. Another sigh of relief on my part was breathed on that cloudy afternoon when my beloved decided to ride with me and hang out for a while before we headed to the reception an hour and a half later.

I didn't really pay attention to the events that followed soon thereafter at the reception even when my beloved and I got separated during the late lunch. But then my gaydar suddenly gave a warning in the middle of my battle with eating, telling me that I must be ready and vigilant about the prey on the next table with my beloved. Mind you, there were two of them there: Chris #1 and Chris#2.

I was uneasy as I observed and watched him talking and fooling around with my beloved. Yes, I was jealous but it was still controllable so I just channelled my feelings at that moment into having a good laugh with my table buddies. It was uncomfortable watching from a distance yet trying to feel okay.

Even when Chris #3 went back home up north the day after, I knew that he maintains a "good" communication with my beloved but I just let it go even though it annoys me to see their comments on each others page and even catching them one time chatting online. I let it go because I didn't want to worry. Besides, I was slowly accepting the fact that Jayson has changed yet again with his texts getting less and less everyday and calls are no more. It's even hard to chat with him because it seems like I'm the one who always has to carry the conversation. But then again, something was boiling and was about to explode.

Come Friday, I texted Jayson twice only to receive one reply. The other one, he said, was sent but was never been able to be accepted by my phone. Maybe, a network error. I let it go and didn't make a big deal about it even though I was disappointed since he used to text me a lot.

After the fellowship that night, I just randomly asked him what was in his text that I didn't get to receive so we scrolled down his phone and to my dismay and total surprise, his inbox was full of Chris #3's texts! I was really hurt to see that not even one of two text messages for him that day was on his inbox. I felt really, really bad about even until now the pain is still lingering on. I told myself at that point not to get mad but it didn't help to think about it over and over again while I was driving home.

Hence, a confrontion commenced online an hour after. I told him that bottomline was I was really jealous. I don't know if I was becoming more obvious now that I do have feelings for him. A lot of gentle answers and sweet nothings were exchanged although at the back of my head, I knew they were also chatting at the same as us.

I trust Jayson and he said he trusts me too. But I couldn't trust those Chris-es. Hell no! Blame it to the fact that the third Chris is only a year younger than me and I really feel threatened by him. I also hate the fact that he says in his profile he's straight when in fact it's so clear that he isn't. I know I'm assasinating his character here but I'm really, really dying of jealousy here.

This is much worse than my situation with Chris #1 since Chris #3 is from out of town and I don't know what's happening behind my back. The feeling that there might be happening in between the scenes and that I couldn't do anything about the situation makes me feel helpless and scared. And with him only a year younger than me, he is very much a threat than anyone else. His cousins are the powerhouse group to beat and I know that even though they wouldn't agree if ever he likes my beloved, they wouldn't hate him either. I know this is silly but I'm worried that they both like the color green and with that thought, I'm anxious thinking that they might have a lot of things in common than what my beloved and I share.

Even though I am now much older, moments like these still upset me so much because they automatically transport me back to my childhood days. I feel weak and defenseless, and all my accomplishments in life seem so insignificant. My stomach is churning in tension when all I want is cozy security.

I'm not usually fond of waking up in the morning especially that instant when I open my eyes and realize it's another long day ahead of me. Ito kasi yung time of the day na sobrang active ng mind ko na may mga bagay-bagay akong naiisip. Eh I'm the type of person pa naman who overanalyzes things which in turn causes stress, anxiety, and most of the time, depression from thinking too much.

Aside from the fact na pagod ako, gusto ko pang matulog, at tinatamad ako pumasok sa work, isang kakatwang bagay na ritual ko sa umaga ay ang pagsambit ng "I love you Jayson". This time of the day lang talaga ako sobrang lovesick as in sawing-sawi sa pag-ibig. Dati nga talagang nagmamakaawa pa ako sa Poong Maykapal na kung pupuwede eh i-grant na yung prayers kong maging kami. Ewan ko ba pero talagang andami kong naiisip tungkol sa kaniya paggising ko sa umaga kaya hayun siguro nape-premiditate na ang kahihinatnan ng aking araw.

Actually, it all started when I realized in 2001 that I was truly, madly, deeply in love with Dean. Everyday until 6 months of being here in the US, I would regularly express my feelings for him everytime I wake up in the morning. I remember I was crying for three straight mornings, days before my departure due to the fact that I was leaving him without telling him how I felt. At heto pa. Sobrang nawindang ako nung naisip ko ung scenario na baka pagbalik ko ng Pilipinas eh ikakasal na si Dean, magkikiss sila, of course honeymoon, then magkakaanak. Sobrang humagulgol talaga ako for an hour habang nakahiga sa kama.

Dapat yesterday ko pa pinost to pero everytime that I attempt to write it down, bigla akong namemental block at walang maisulat. Siguro dahil sobrang naiinis ako sa mga pangyayari kahapon at of course ng mga nagdaang araw. Kelan pa ba ako walang inis sa katawan eh araw-araw na lang drama mode ako.

Heniways, kahapon we interviewed someone kasi sobrang kulang talaga kami sa tao dito sa lab so imagine ngarag-ngarag na lahat sa pagtetest ng mga produkto. Actually, sila lang kasi mas maabilidad ako sa kanila. Joke lang po. So hayun nga. Nakakainis kasi yung previous post ko eh kasalukuyang ineedit ko pa lang ng tawagin ako ng Ate ko dito na Pinay. Mag-iinterview daw kami. Ayoko sana pero nacurious ako kasi baka PAPAble ung interviewee so after 2 minutes of pangungulit eh go na ako.

So hayun habang nag-aantay kami sa may office eh chinika muna namin yung isa pang Ate na lab assistant namin. Syempre curious ako so tinanong ko kung cute ba yung guy. Sabi niya cute daw. Syempre kinilig ang lolo mo nun although di nila alam ang aking lihim.

After 20 years, hayan na natapos din ang mga hunghang. So hayun enter na kami sa lunch room then nag-antay ng konti sa isa pa naming kasama. Honga, cute nga siya. Syempre mega-ask and talk naman ang yours truly. I sat on the center by the way and yeah, katapat ko siya! Grabe na ito.

Okay siya, matalino at confident sa sarili. Approve siya kasi alam kong carry naman niya ang pagiging chemist. Pero syempre nag-joke ako sa Ate pagbalik namin sa lab at sabi kong cute nga siya so against ako sa pag-hire sa kaniya.

Syempre nag-init ang dugo ko nung nagpaka-choo-choo yung Ate at ipagkalat sa buong madlang people sa lab. Nung una dun lang sa kasama naming nag-interview pero hayan na ipagsabi ba naman kina Vaklush at iba pa. Hindi tama yan! Naiinis talaga ako at hanggang ngayon eh di ko masyadong kinakausap. Di raw niya alam na inside joke lang yun?!?! Haller! Ang tanda na niya to know kung anong joke ang pwedeng ipagsabi at kung ano ang dapat ay sa amin lang. Grrrr! Kumukulot ang buhok ko ha!

Tapos heto pa. Kagahapon eh naglagay ng comment si Chris sa aking  munting Myspace at ito ang kaniyang isinulat:

hi. just wanted to type "hi". now i've typed "hi" three times including the one in this sentence. Lol nywys i hope you're okay, i always feel like theres something that doesn't seem right. your AIM profiles concern me bout' ur well being. Things seem so messy sometimes whenever ppl are around/or not around each other. well, im here to talk er help if i can.

take care much, ok?

-eisley concert yes? no ? maybe? i dunno yet.
i'll let u know.

Feeling siya!!! Feeling! Akala ba niya madadaan ako ng ganiyan-ganiyan lang? Sinaktan niya ako at patuloy na sinasaktan. Nakakainis dahil nagpapakabayani siya kahit hindi naman siya si Jose Rizal o si Andres Bonifacio. Pwede ba? Isa siyang Emilio Aguinaldo na nagtaksil sa Kataastaasang, Kagalang-galangang Katipunan ng mga Anak ng Bayan! Basta nabubuwisit lang ako sa mga taong patuloy akong ginagago. Basta di ko na siya friendship! Siya nga pala, I told him to call me by my name and just drop the "kuya". Trip lang.

Tapos hayan habang ako'y nagsisimulang mag-type para sa entry na ito nagtext yung isang hitad na girl from church at gusto raw sumama sa concert na pupuntahan namin ni Jayson! Syempre nakakainis dahil as much as possible gusto ko nga kaming dalawa lang no. Medyo ok na nga lang na sasama si Chris para lang di masyadong obvious pero what's this?! Ayoko isama yung girl hindi dahil sa galit ako sa kaniya kundi dahil isa siyang MH= Malaking Hadlang sa aking Quality Time with you-know-who. Pero hindi naman ako makatanggi kasi ayoko maging bastos.

Haynaka, sana naman ma-enjoy despite lahat ng mga kaasaran sa mundo.

Officially, sawi mode na naman ako. I know na it was just a matter of time bago ako bumalik sa dati. And of course, the time has finally come for me to be myself again. Actually, nagsasawa na rin ako sa pagiging depressed all the time ha at lalo na rin siguro the people around me and those who read my blog. Pero what can I do if I was born this way? Sabi ko na nga eh, bi-polar talaga ako.

Last Saturday while watching the concert, I remember for a moment that my world stopped while gazing upon Alex Band. I wouldn't say that I heard the bells ring. But it's as if time stood still for a moment beholding the beauty of this angelic human being.

Then finally,  this realization set in: I always fall in love with someone who can never and will never be mine. I know I've made this realization several times in the past but that time was different. It was as if I innocently made my way to the road of self-discovery. Kulang na lang siguro eh kantahin ko ang "For A Moment Like This" ni Kelly Clarkson, although I know the song is about someone finding his/her one true love sealed with a kiss you've been waiting your whole life which wasn't the case for me at that time.

Ewan ko ba. I know na sa list ng mga guys that I've loved in the past, 99.9 % of them eh out of my league. Kung sana lang, lahat na lang ng nagugustuhan ko eh tipo ni Alex Band, eh di sana hindi na ako nasasawi ng todo-todo. Alam ko naman kasi na pag sa mga artists/singers ako na-in love eh at least alam ko ang limitations ko at alam kong walang patutunguhan yun. Besides, alam ko na ilang months lang eh mag-susubside na ang crush ko sa kanila hanggang makahanap na naman ako ng panibagong pagpapantasyahan.

Maiiwasan din ang pagkakaroon ng false hopes na one day eh magiging kami unlike pag close friends, hindi maiiwasan na along the way eh mag-assume ang isa lalo na sa isang taong gaya kong saksakan ng assumptions. Yun kasi ang isa sa problema sa akin pag nagkaroon na ng false hopes, it would then lead to false security until one day, magigising ka na lang na ilusyon lang pala ang lahat at walang dapat panghawakan or i-expect man lang.

Hay buhay nga naman. Ang hirap din sa akin once na magkagusto na ako sa isang tao at nahulog na nang lubusan eh siya na lang ang mundo ko so I don't notice other people around me. I know it's bad but on the other hand, I think it proves that, modesty aside, I'm a very loyal person. Yun nga lang pag nagkaiwanan na sa ere, nobody is there to pick me up kasi nga siguro along the way, I have pushed away people who really cared for me, if there are really.

Anyway, kahit na the feeling of ecstacy has kind of faded away na, I still can't get over this feeling of kilig everytime I think of Alex. Iba talaga. It's been a while din kasi since I had a huge crush on someone na hindi ako nasasawi. Yun bang tipong sobrang happy ka na may crush ka at kebs lang sa iyo na hanggang crush lang siya at hanggang dun lang talaga pwede. Sana lang this is a start of a new of beginning. Sana lang...

Since the feeling of happiness is moderately fading away now, I am such in a hurry to blog what made me happy all of a sudden even for just a while. One of the biggest reasons why I went here to the US was that I wanted to see even one of my music idols. I know it's a pathetic reason but what the heck?!